Thursday, June 27, 2013

Burning out in AA

I have to speak for myself, I think I am getting burned out at AA. I have been going to at least one meeting a day and I have to say this. AA does not keep me sober!! Shocked, don't be , I realized last night that my spiritual relationship with God is what keeps me sober. It has kept me sober for over 4 years, not AA. I am not downplaying AA , I am stating a fact. Where did I get this spiritual relationship? From prayer in the morning and all during the day and at night. The craving for beer or pot has gone, and has been for a long time. In AA each person recounts their drinking and what they drank , it makes me thirsty for a drink. No shit, it is crazy to me, that war stories are told and I am sick of them. Let's talk about living today and not" Hi I am Tom and I am glad to be at AA and I have been sober for 60 years and by the grace of this program I have been sober for this long, and the guy begins to recite every chapter in the Big Book". So fucking what, is he not "self seeking, and worried about his next chapter in the Big Book" or is he headed for a fall. Maybe he just likes to talk to anyone that will listen.. I am not sure.

So why go to AA? I went to meet people that shared the same experience as I , but found out that the only thing I have in common with these good folks is a desire to not drink and I was unable to control my drinking at  a few points in my life. Does AA keep me sober, No. I know this may shock AA people but once I looked at this program, I personally get tired of the same old shit everyday at the meetings. Maybe I am burned out, but all the talking about liquor has made my craving a little bit more observant. What I am trying to say is I dont think about taking a drink every time something good or bad happens to me. I think about how to deal with it, the problem. Not drink it away. I already know I can't drink my problems away, and knew this before I went to AA. Am I at the wrong place? I was never locked up in prison or believe in DWI. I have no sympathy for those who drink and drive, they are idiots. Do what I did if your drunk , hire a limousine to pick you up and help you spend your money so you don't have enough to drink the next night. There is no common sense to driving and drinking. If you do this , you should be put in jail and pay for it. You could of killed me or a child while drinking and driving, dumb ass.

I have no empathy for those who beat up people from drinking or doing stupid shit . That just means they are mentally not ready to drink. I am not saying that one should drink and sit at home like I did. That is bad also. But I commit no crimes when I did this. I just fucked my self up when I did this and I have learned my lesson. Is AA for people that are just plain stupid? I am not sure, most seem pretty smart, but a re-hash of the program night after night has shown me a few things, and why people do not go. I really will have to examine this a bit further and see if a 12 step program for Christians in recovery is possibly where I need to go. Right now, I think I am just fed up with the whole idea that I just don't seem to fit in with the present group I am with, yet I have been to about 7 different places in 4 towns. Same AA ore-amble and a new comer comes in and people are nice to them, but what kind of help are they getting, none. I have given my business cards to a few of these fellows and no one cals, so there is a flaw in this system that was set up to help alcoholics.

Working the steps is still a vital part of staying sober, I believe you can do this with a close friend or stranger and be done with it, and possibly go back to it when needed. Always help out your fellow human beings as step 12 suggest, do we all help others we see in need, no , but sometimes we do. That is human nature, and if you have a blown out tire on the freeway , usually that would be considered a 12 step , you are helping out a unfortunate one that has a problem. I beleieve AA works for some people, and some have no other choice as they can't believe in a higher power and possibly AA is their higher power. Confused today, sorry if I offend you. Chris

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