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Nine years of Sobriety and 5 Months of CBD Buds

Like I have said before I write this journal or blog for myself. I am not trying to impress anyone or tell my whole life story. Recently for the past five or six months, I have been trying CBD , which if you do not know what it is let me explain.
CBD from Hemp is what I was smoking, it does not get a person high but it does have healing properties for much medical use. Now, what medical use did I use it for was anxiety or panic? I will say that I tried Vaping CBD, and I thought it did nothing. Then I found out you could buy this like Marijuana flowers or buds. I purchased the Buds legally at a Vape store in my city. I rolled up Hemp cigarettes and smoked a few hits over the span of the last few months. The funny thing is I felt like it was helping me with Panic and possibly was, or was it just that I missed the taste of real pot and the smell and buds were beautiful. The only problem is CBD is not regulated nor is specified what type of Nutrient, Hemp can be, plus the negative bonus o…

Darkness for the Alcoholic and Drug User

I have been very busy at work and loving my job. I am making good money, probably the best I have ever made. No problems with my boss or anything, able to afford to buy a new car. I have everything, sobriety, a new car , a life. What happened. I was tempted last night to start smoking pot .

So why would I start smoking pot when all is going good? I did not think about the negative or darkness that I might be putting myself into again, its has been almost 9 years now with no drinking or drugs, then on a Saturday night, I get the urge to smoke pot. I found a person on CL and i went to meet him with 140.00 in cash to buy some Hydro Pot. I meet with this guy I don't know and he jumps in my new car and I give him the money and he dispersal
..lol He fucking ran off with my cash. Was I mad , no. That was weird, this guy just took my cash and hauled ass. I actually thought that I was buying from a guy that needed to get rid of what he had and went to his car to get my drug. I waited only …

Grateful For What God Has So Freely Given Me

It is easy for me to get lost in my problems with life and forget to be grateful for those things in which God has given me. It is easy to get lost in the confusion of the day and realize that I am sober from alcohol and drugs and should be grateful that God has given me the strength to carry forward in this life. I am grateful to be able to type this at 8:00 AM on Friday morning because eight years ago I sure would of not been doing this blog. I was always hung over and to combat the hangover I would smoke a joint upon waking then the cycle of the addiction would take over my day.

I believe we all have all sorts of issues we have to deal with on a daily basis. The best way I prepare for the next day is to not expect that I will have another next day, I give it to God in prayer at night and ask him to do for me what I can't do for myself and to guide me , that is about it. Upon waking the next morning , surprise phone calls or seeing my dog wag her tail at me in enthusiasm is a wo…

Sobriety and The Family

Well, I celebrated with my AA friends and my family my eight years of sobriety the other night at my AA group. It was nice, and words when I spoke just seem to come from the spirit inside me out to those in attendance. It was a a good night as my mother came to this event. There was a older fellow there who had 22 years of sobriety , which made it even better. The family suffers from the turmoil and crap you or I put them through in the years when I was in my addiction. When they have seen you have some consistency with being sober, it just becomes normal for them, as they do not know how you might be struggling with living sober now. That is why I go to AA, is how to learn life on life's terms not mine. To live a life where God is the only way and direction to head. Follow what the spirit of God tells you to do and try to stay on track during the day and things will go better.

The family is grateful that you are sober when you get some time behind your belt. They laugh with you a…

Enjoy Your Kids Sober

I am very blessed with a fine young man that is my son. He does not live with myself , but he is 23 also. He is so very special even from day one. He was and is a quite young man and handsome , he does not smoke or drink , and never has done drugs or even said a cuss word for all I know. Almost incredible , I know. He is my Angel from God , and I do worry about him as he isolates himself because he has Autism or some form of this , and he is a happy guy at least. He lives with his mom and her husband , which I am glad he does, as I worry about his down time. They seem to keep a good eye out for him. He is one of the major reasons I got sober and it was to do with court and my ex wife. But time passes and he grew up with a dad that has always loved him. He never has let me down, which I cannot say about myself. I let my parents down all the time for over thirty years. I only cared about what Chris could get out of them. I was not responsible and even being a sober man of my age , stll …

2017 , A Year that Has Been Different

2017, started off on a whim of a year for me. I met a girl on the first day of this year and we dated and it ended as quickly as it started,. So life goes on, but I have had a hard time finding a job I am qualified for, with so many descriptions of what I do , it makes me wonder , how things will turn out. Being alcoholic and staying sober for eight years has been fairly easy , but my life gets a little more crazy at times. I do have a new job so I am thankful , and I plan to stick with it. I guess I feel I am better than the work that I find at times, but for almost 30 years of continuous drinking and smoking pot and then getting sober , what can I say.I celebrate my AA Birthday this week with my friends at the 12 Step group in Midland, Texas, and that is always good. The story pretty much stays the same but the years events always change just like if one was sober, so nothing really new here.

I guess you could say I am very blessed to have both of my parents alive. My brother and si…

Sober and What Becomes when We stay Sober

I have a lot on my plate lately, but it has been good and different. Lost my step father, however , I know he is with God. I am
not sad, just motivated to start my life on a new turn.I have been lookig for another job, as the one I have is not what I like to do. I have prayed about this daily and my prayers are coming true. I have had a few consultants call me on jobs that I like to do. Times in Midland are booming again with the oil field picking up and that brings in more business and retail shops, plus high prices.I will take advantage of the time I have and focus on the reality of being sober and alive. At times , I feel really lonely but then I get a glimpse of how lucky and fortunate I have in my life. I am thankful that I am not in a wheel chair , I am thankful I have some money, and food, plus a house that has musical instruments for me to pass the time, and hopefully get better.I have more than I deserve in material things, and yes most of it has been put o credit cards, so …

Death In the Family and Sober Living

Well, I have lost my step father yesterday to what I will call old age. He was 81 and a bit over weight and had complications for years. It was not sudden, he had struggled in and out of hospitals for the past year. He was a jolly guy that was a sharp dresser and smart and funny. A real good hearted man that was always nice to my family and very kind.It is hard to find people like this in the world, he was always a giving nature person. He will be missed and for some reason I am not sad of his death, maybe it has not hit me yet. I am happy that his suffering is over , is how I feel. He liked recovering alcoholics,he thought we were good people, and he was pleased with my struggles in life. Like I said he had no mean bone in his body, just a big Teddy Bear and a heart as big as Texas.

How do we deal with death as a sober person? I guess just like we deal with daily living. We pray and remember the good times, and go about our day. Living one day at a time. We don't try to look back…

Tuesday Sober and Working

Well I made it through my first day on Monday and it was all pretty good. My trainer is a good person and very easy to get along with. He has a great attitude. Today is the real test because I will be doing the job I was hired for and seeing how I like it. I must like it because there is nothing else to do. I think this will work out to be a good job ass I get to travel a little and the only bad part is the waking up at 4:30 AM to get ready to go. But that is a small price to pay in order to have a paying job. I have gotten a little relaxed in the waking up department but today was not bad. It is better to be sober and waking up and doing the things that normal people do. That is what sobriety is all about is waking up to a new day and doing Gods work and trying to do my best for God. I can only do so much but I am heaalthy and I am eager so with these qualities I shoulld be alright. God Bless..Chris

Everything happens, When nothing seems Possible Sober

Well, I have had a great weekend. I started off with getting hired for a job that requires a lot of traveling and this is fine. Followed by a girlfriend of mine who came back into my life and wanted to go out Friday night. When things look bleak in sobriety, beware because something big is probably about to happen for the good. I have been a little depressed over the last few weeks , and I still kept my head up high knowing that something good would become from all the resumes I have put out and staying busy with my program and AA. It never fails as God comes into my life daily even though I feel he has left me, and brings me big surprises. That is how sobreity works, not expecting anything really and when your down keep busy helping others and it will come back to help you. That is how eight years of living has been for me. I forget at times this rule of thumb. God never forgets me however, he just keeps me outside of myself and I get loaded up with ideas of what I can do to make lif…

"The Shack" a Book about a conception of God

I have been reading a book called , "The Shack", I am not an avid reader but a member of AA was talking on night about the different conceptions of God that we all have. This book and movie is right on target with a person's conception of God and it is really an enjoyment to read. The movie has already come out and I was able to see this movie and it seemed to follow the book pretty well. I highly suggest this to those who have a problem with AA and the God conception in our lives. Yes, I know the book is fiction but in reality it could be the truth. It is a joyful book about a tragedy
that has happened to this man and his family, but ends on a good note. To stay sober means one has to believe in a power greater than himself. This is proven over and over in AA meetings and in my personal life. Sometimes we might feel that God has failed us, but if you look deeper , he may be teaching us a lesson that makes us better human beings. For those who do not believe in a God , i…

Good Things About being Sober

Monday I went to San Antonio with my AA sponsor to a meeting in which my sponsor Eddie was to speech
. We had a good time talking on the trip down there and then we hit the meeting in town and he got a standing ovation. Very proud of him and he was proud that I went with him on the 5 hour trip. On the way back on Tuesday to Midland I was called for a second interview with a company I have been trying to get on with in employment. I returned home and this was a phone interview and I had passed my electronics test and personality test , so I was pretty happy. This is a miracle from god that we talk about in AA , and how God works in our lives when we least expect it. Anyway I was invited to my last interview to be held on Thursday morning over the phone again with the hiring manager, so I would assume I am pretty well hired, but I won't know until Thursday.

Sobriety and giving back was was freely given to me is what this AA program is all about. Working the steps and getting out of …

Moving on with a Sober Life

Well, I have hit a few hurdles in my last few post on this blog. I am back on my medication, as it works and I can function. Be careful what others say to you and about your life. You are the only one living in your own body and you know what works and what does not. Alcohol does not seem to work in any one soul out there that can drink to oblivion. Treatment is a must for the first time alcoholic who suffers and it is usually a good thing for those who are not familiar with the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you drink and you are out of control, please seek help, and try to stick with meetings and work the 12 steps of AA as fast as you can in recovery. This will get you feeling better in the long run and will get you familiar with the steps in your life and how they will change your life. By the grace of God , I am still sober even after putting myself through hell, on getting off the medication I am taking, but I am taking it as prescribed and feel like it must be the correct …

Sobriety and Living with the Power of God

I live with the power of God every day. That does not mean every day is going to be perfect, and by far this is not true. It means for me to stay sober, I have to hand over a lot of what is on my mind to God.
So , just how does a person do this? Well, for me it takes asking a prayer for God to take a hold of the situation and guide me through it the best he can. Very simple step right? However, I doubt God at times but have all my faith in him to bring me out of myself and gain control over my life. This has been an ongoing process for the last 8 years, and it seems to work. I do not stress as much as when I try to run the show. When I let my higher power take over my day or moment, it usually turns out pretty good and I stay active in keeping my human body functioning doing the right thing in life.

I have been a musician for most of my life but have not perfected theory of music , so I am now working on this with my guitars. I feel that it will make me a better guitar player and more…

Sobriety Curve Balls In our Social Living

Its is Monday 9/12/2016 and a pretty day in Western Texas, I have almost 9 years of sobriety as of this time of year. I have just let go of one full- time job that has lasted almost a year. Why the curve ball has been thrown ? Well, the job was boring and not very interesting to myself. It Paid the bills but I have another job lined up that will do the same, pay the bills. God works in ways that I do not understand , nor or we suppose to understand why God works his miracles in the way he does with us. I have been wanting to leave this former company for months and when the opportunity came and I found another position in which I am interested , I changed like a normal person would.

Now that is not to say I am normal because to me a normal person is one who can drink normal and still hold a job and so the definition of normality is hard to be defined. I am normal in the fact that I pray to God , go to AA meetings and try to live the way God would want me to live. I am 53 and yes I am …

God is a Driving Force in My Sobriety

What drives us to change and do better or worse. There is a power greater than myself in that drives my spirit up or down. Possibly the downward spiral of myself is from my own actions. I may not include God in everything that I do, while trying to keep in touch with God I lose touch. I have a spiritual connection with God and I have, to be honest, that I use this sometimes when things are rough and not when life is moving forward in my sobriety and just plain living. Living without a connection to God is self- imposed and it can be very easy to start playing God when you forget that you are not God. People say to me at times, have a Blessed Day! I think these people are more spiritual than I am because it comes so natural for these individuals to say this. I also find that when I am told this remark that I feel better about my day. I try to copy these people and say ,:Have a blessed Day", as I know what it feels to have a clerk at a convenience store say this to me, and when it …

The Big Book and Sobriety

I don't make it a habit to read the Big Book of AA. I do read it in the mornings or evenings where I get bored. I usually see myself in some fashion or another in this book. This could be a present or past reflection on whom I have become as a sober individual. When reading the Big Book of AA , I find passages that are out of date. The meaning of some of the words can be quite confusing to me, so I look some of them up in a dictionary, and the word makes perfect sense to the context in which it is written. I find that reading the pages in the back of the book can be enlightening to myself, as when I go to AA meetings these back chapters are ignored.Most of the AA meetings are focused on the 12 steps of the book in the first 100 or so pages. This is good information and if lived with a spiritual connection do work for the alcoholic who is trying to understand what this whole book and program is about.

I also read the Bible on a daily basis and Rick Warren a Pastor out of California…

Belief In a Higher Power For Social Sobriety

God, is a big spiritual relief for me. There are those that do not understand God, and I think that is God's intentions. He wants us to believe in a higher power that is stronger than yourself, therefore the word , God. I have for the last eight years have had a strong belief in God working wonders of miracles in my life. Like my previous post about Panic, God knows that I could have a problem with addiction with the medications but he knows what is up with my life at all times. So be it. I wake up in the early morning about 5 AM and begin to pray for the new day everyday, and this last during work and after work up until the evening. See , in my opinion, God wants to know how you feel about him and yourself on a daily basis. He wants us to rejoice in knowing him on a personal basis. Whether you want to call it a friendship, in which God is my best friend, or spirituality , God works so many miracles in my daily life, that I know no other person or thing could do for me. I am almo…

Sobriety and Panic

I don't write very consistently but when I get a thought I usually have to write about it. Panic attacks are common in most people,, or anxiety. The higher the anxiety the more likely you will have a panic attack. I have had these off and on for all my life. Sobriety does not cause panic but an alcoholic drink surely calms panic down and anxiety,.So what do you do? I give it up to God plus I take medication for Panic attacks and prevention. There are a lot of people that would not agree with this action. When I first sobered up eight years ago, I was a full-blown agoraphobic, I would not leave the house or I would have massive panic attacks.This was horrible, I had this before I even started drinking at a very young age and I have seen hypnotherapist, and taken CBT therapy and many different medications over the years. You may be having the same issue as I have and are looking for answers and I really don't have them. You might take a chance and take medication , I would not t…

Life is Complicated Drunk , When Sober Life Changes

Hello, and welcome to my personal journal. I was thinking this evening how complicated life is. However, it really does not have to be. I was watching a movie and it was disturbing , so I walked outside and watched my Labrador Retriever enjoy her back yard, and even myself.

When I was drinking I was always in the moment, and yes I remember seeing some pretty things that God gives us all, like the Ocean, beaches and fish where I use to live on N Padre Island, Texas. It was beautiful most of the time. I was high most of the time also. At night I was always high and beginning my drinking for the night. Therefor I did not do much after about 7 or 8 PM at night except for the photographs of surfing I use to take on a daily basis on the island. If there was no surf I would drive down the coast to take pictures of the birds, and Pelicans that were so spiritual to me and my friend Harry. I will discussm,"Harry" in another part of my journal. He was a big influence to me even during …