Saturday, January 20, 2018

Busy Recovering Alcoholic

Well, it has been some time since I have written, and I think I am going to get honest on this site because I have not been. I have been sober of illegal drugs and alcohol for almost 9 years. I do have a mental condition known as ADD to Panic Attacks. I take medicine for these issues and have been for most of my life. I don't know if I am right for doing what I do, but I cannot function without the medication in a way that will make me productive and happy. I have tried several times getting off the meds but I always came back to them because I could not work or do anything. I was housebound. Most in alcoholism recovery would say I am covering up something that could be worked out in the 12 steps, I cannot. Yes, I have tried and yet I feel guilty almost every day for taking this prescribed medication for my mental disorder and have not found any help in the small city I live in. There are cities in Dallas and Houston that have a way of recovery but I do not have the luxury to go to these clinics. I have to work and keep money coming in. So this is my self-inflicted level but is it. If I had cancer I would take treatment, well I have a mental disorder that can only be controlled by medication or long-term therapy in which I don't have the resources in my little city.
I guess this is a confession because I am not perfect but I have stayed off the drugs and alcohol that made my life miserable and no I did not trade it for other drugs. I have had the mental disorder before the alcohol and other things I use to ingest. This blog is for me and not for anyone else, and someday I will look back and see what I have written and maybe where I went wrong. Maybe this will be one of them. I'm sober it is Sat night and I work Sunday as usual. People will tell me different things about what I do from AA, however, it is the individual, and God that make the end choices. Please comment on this if you like. I'm not perfect nor profess to know about addiction like a professional, but these so-called pros do they really know what it is like to live agoraphobic and do they know how to live sober after 30 years of drinking. So many choices, you have to make your own. God Bless Chris

Monday, December 11, 2017

Co Worker Drives me Crazy With Talking

As a recovering alcoholic there are times when at work I get to work with those who talk about nothing to do about work and babble on for hours about how many girls he has slept with and how hot he is to women. It drives me nuts to hear this over and over. Is this person looking for some kind of relief from me, or is he making sure I know he is a chick magnet? He just won't shut the fuck up. He is a kind person, but his mouth and actions are that of a 16 yr old 53 yr old kid. It is insane to listen to, so I am going to try to drown him out with positive thoughts today as I am training under this guy for just a few more days, and then its over. I started to write my boss about him but I don't want to be the bad guy. Staying sober is easy, it is the living part of sobriety that is hardest in the program. Maybe you know of a person like this. Please comment. Thank You Chris

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Thankful Day Or Is It?

Thanksgiving is today, and I started a new job this last week, so I am off today and get double pay on Friday, so that is cool. What is not cool is my Thanksgiving meal I had with my father who insists od continued drinking and driving on a good cop catching day, a holiday. I am so thankful I am not drinking and not having to worry about being pulled over for smoking pot or drinking. God has blessed me with a good family but they are spread out all over the country, so rarely we get together, if at all anymore since the kids in the family are in their 50s and all but with both parents alive and very strong headed about what they are not going to do as far as holidays are concerned. It is a bummer in a way, as we used to have a large group of family years back going to eat and dressing up for lunch. Times really change when you get older and you are divorced as I am. I have a son who is 23 and I rarely get to see him as he lives with my ex-wife and her new family.

The good thing is to accept these changes and move on to the next day gracefully. Thining of others than yourself is hard at times, but it does get you out of self. This day I will not be sad as I spend it alone as I have been for so many years. This is my fault because I could be doing some service work such as feeding the homeless or something like this, however, I do enjoy being with my puppy and watching TV as well, and not worrying about anything. This is what I hear is called relaxing and I hear it is ok to do this. I am always on the go and something on my mind. God bless you all on the fabulous family day. Chris

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Sobriety and Thanksgiving

Well, once again it is that time of the year where most families get together and celebrate a holiday known as Thanksgiving. The traffic sucks and most of the people coming to visit you, well you may not be in the mood to see them. However, this is a time for forgiving others and eating food that most women spend lots of time cooking. Personally, I do not care much for the holidays, in back eight years ago it was just another excuse to get drunk and high and my family either did not know I was or never said anything. As I am 54 now my family has gotten smaller so there is no big feast there is just my mother and father who are both this year widowed. So therein lies the problem with who do I eat with on this day. I love them both but there is only one of me. At least they both want me to spend time with them. I think I have worked it out one I will meet in the afternoon the other in the evening. They both live in separate cities, so lots of driving for me. Well, they have supported my sobriety and they both love me so to show my love back this is all I can do.

Staying sober is not a problem for me, its just living life is. That is where AA and the Big Book come hand in hand in sobriety, to help you with your living situation. It is like the laymens Bible for living with an addiction and it does contain good sayings about how to conduct yourself and let God take over and run your life. It is not an easy task but I do know how to let go and let God into my life. I hope you are able to do this-this Thanksgiving Day as we may not like it or despise this but it is a part of our daily living. So be it

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Dating and Sobriety and just Today

I thought I would write a little bit about dating while working sobriety. In my case I have not been so lucky, I search for a woman on the Internet to date but have not really had any luck. There have been a few times I have gone out with an Internet date and most were not what I had expected. In fact, since I don't go to bars and I don't really have a nightlife, my dating pretty much does not exist.
I have thought about going to church, but that is about it, thought about it. I don't enjoy church, but I do like to dress up so maybe I can change that. My AA program right now is I am sober and don't go to very many meetings. I have been too darn tired from work. I get home lay down on the couch and then take care of errands and I really don't know if I have time for dating or even if I am ready to commit to anybody but myself right now and my family. I have not written lately and know I should write more, but life has been a big rush every day. No time for anything, and sometimes that is ok. God is watching over me, and I am sober today. So that is what counts today. Chris

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Sex and Sobriety

Well, sex is the object of my blog today. Sex is non-existent in my life so far in the past few years of sobriety. Why? I guess part of it is I don't go to bars on Friday and Saturday nights looking for sex. I never did even when I drank. I might be old-fashioned in the way I think about casual sex also. I seem to need to love someone before I have sex. The act of sex can be an addiction they say, but my sex drive is nill. I just try to get through the day at some times sober, as that is a feat in itself. However, I think I want love not really the sex part. Of course, with love comes sex, and I guess that is what I am holding out for. I find that I am guilty of liking those women that are outwardly pretty but in most cases, they are rude as hell if they are as sexy as I think they are. Being sober really makes you look and think hard about the sex question. Iknow a lot of people in AA go to meet and find a casual sex partner in group meetings but I don't think that is a good idea for me as I have tried this and she was still very mentally sick. Oh well, when the time comes for me to meet the one God will point her out and I will go from there. Have a good day. Chris

Friday, October 13, 2017

Sober and Working

I have not updated my blog in a while, and it is because I have been working so much. It's like going to an AA meeting when you work 13 hr. Days, it is hard to get motivated to go. I still try to make the Saturday meetings in Midland, Texas. However, I am very busy on the weekends also. I know that AA has helped me stay sober, but in reality, it is my spiritual strength with God that keeps me sober as well. I have to watch out, because of what they say in AA, like when things get good and you back away from meetings is when you are looking for trouble. I wonder sometimes if what I hear in AA is a type of brainwashing because I have not had the urge to drink since I am so busy. I don't know but I have been sober for almost 9 years. I will write more on this weekend, got to head out. Chris